This month, I have the great privilege of experiencing a personal milestone that brings a sense of happiness and reflection about marriage: my 25th wedding anniversary.
As I write this article, my husband and I are not speaking. You see, we are in the middle of a little tiff and I’m not exactly sure why. There was a time in my life that this would have sent me for an emotional tailspin. However, one of the comforts that has come over time is the knowledge that, this too shall pass, feelings change, we will eventually communicate, we will probably forget about what upset us in the first place, and we’ll be back to the easy flow of daily life together at some point.
My husband and I often remark on how easy this relationship has been for us. Clearly, I’m not saying that there aren’t “moments” but challenges and conflicts have flowed quite smoothly. So as a couple’s therapist, I of course have been reflecting on what has made our marriage feel so easy. Several things come to my mind that I find myself saying to those I counsel over and over again:
- The Importance of Maturity: This was not the first rodeo for either of us. We each had lived enough life that we knew ourselves well. We had enough therapy and work on our own to overcome many of the difficulties that we brought into adulthood from our families of origins. We each had some skills and ability to “hold on to ourselves” in the face of conflict or discord. We had our own individual life experiences – ups and downs. A healthy relationship requires having healthy people in it.
- Shared Values: Sincerity in our words and actions; adhering to moral and ethical principles; expressing empathy; treating others with respect; being helpful to others; remaining curious; being dependable and trustworthy; and acceptance of differences. Having shared values in a relationship provides a strong foundation, trust, compatibility, and easier communication.
- The Power of Humor: On our honeymoon 25 years ago, we had a short conversation with an old man standing outside a diner in Tupelo, Mississippi. Among other idioms, he referred to an acquaintance of his as being “goofy as a frog”. What is not to love about this saying? It still brings smiles to our faces. It turned out to be such a great reminder to not take ourselves, or our ideas, too seriously. Humor, when used in appropriate ways, can lighten the mood, resolve conflicts, and strengthen connection.
Around the time of our anniversary, my husband and I sometimes read our
wedding vows. These vows still ring true for us today. They sum things up nicely and I think reflect how we choose to be present in our marriage, one day at a time. Perhaps they will inspire or speak to you as well.
I accept you as my (wife/husband) with your strengths and your weaknesses.
I will be true to you in all things.
I will share what I have and who I am.
I will love you enough to risk being hurt and trust you when I misunderstand.
I will weep with you in heartache and celebrate life with you in joy.
I receive you as my partner today, tomorrow and always.
I will support you by actions which are helpful and not hurtful.
I will support you by speech which is kind and not false or harsh.
I will support you with generosity, not taking what is not freely given.
I will support you by being faithful.
I will support you by not abusing the pleasures of this world.
With this ring, I give you my promise that from this day forward you shall not walk alone. May my heart be your shelter and my arms be your home. May God bless you always. May we always walk together through all things. May you feel deeply loved, for indeed you are. May you always see your innocence in my eyes.
With this ring, I give you, my heart. I have no greater gift to give. I promise I shall do my best; I shall always try. I feel so honored to call you Husband. I feel so blessed to call you mine. May we feel this joy forever.
Marriage and Family Therapist at Insights Collaborative Therapy Group