Well, well, well…if it isn’t my old wintry adversary, January. We meet again.
If you’re anything like me, your relationship with the first month of the calendar year is a complicated one. The nights feel longer than the days, the outdoors are often less than inviting, and the fun of the holidays is a fading memory. There is the cultural and often personal expectation that a brand-new year will automatically yield a brand-new you. What must be inevitably waiting for all of us is a fresh start full of epic, long-desired changes, right? Call them what you will: resolutions, goals, hopes. The quest to identify (let alone stick to) a plan to bring self-improvement to fruition has likely evaded us all at some point, regardless of the time of year. Being a counselor can often be a rewarding and edifying position. I’ve had the opportunity for over a decade to walk with others as they attempt to make changes in their lives, oftentimes with me feeling personally inspired to refine my own approach to that process. While I’ve managed to observe many prominent themes, as we start a new year, I’d like to share a few of them that have been distinctly insightful for me.
Know Your FAVORABLE Why
It is important for a person to identify the “what” and the “how” of the goal they are pursuing. It’s also crucial that a person is aware of their “why.” What is ultimately encouraging them to break the ranks of familiarity and try something new? To take it one more critical step, I often discuss with clients how much more effective and inspiring it is to run after something they actually want, rather than to simply run away from something that is unpleasant. Statements like “I’m just tired of feeling gross and sluggish” or “I don’t want people thinking I’m a bad dad” may all be catalysts to cross the starting line, but so often those statements are sourced in either fear or shame, which are notoriously poor long-term motivators. To think of it in another way, for many who participate in the spiritual practice of Lent, the richness of the experience comes not purely in depriving oneself of something, but in creating the space to then introduce or implement something more healthy and fruitful. In the midst of you saying “no” to something, what are you ultimately trying to say “yes” to? Enthusiasm and Rigidity Are NOT the Same Thing.
A running theme in many of my sessions is the distress that inevitably emerges in us when we are living life too inflexibly. This may be most obvious when we pursue a new goal. Think of the person who, with the best of intentions, wants to get in peak physical form. In an enthusiastic effort to really hit the ground running, they will come into my office proclaiming that the next 6 months will consist of sugar-free, salt-free, flavor-free meal plans. Pair that with a 7:30PM bedtime that will flow into a meticulously planned morning regimen, scheduled in 5-minute increments, that culminates in a 90 minute workout 5 days a week at 5:30AM. No excuses, no distractions, no compromises, no mercy! Goodness knows I applaud a good pursuit. But success that is contingent upon the unwavering adherence to a rigid plan is a Jenga tower that will crumble, leaving its builder disoriented and discouraged to regroup and continue. Firstly, these types of plans, especially when an individual is out of the practice of self-discipline, are deeply unfair and unrealistic to implement upon oneself.
To be clear, interruptions may not always be unpleasant or unwanted. Sure, they can come in the form of a last-minute work deadline or an unexpected illness from your child. But interruptions can also show up as a surprise visit from a close friend, or a spontaneous invitation to the finals of some epic tournament, or a school play in which your understudy child gets to go on last-minute to play the lead. All great interruptions that may compromise the rigid schedule of the aspiring fitness fanatic mentioned above.
- Denying ourselves of all other things of value and meaning for the sake of pursuing and “preserving the purity” of one goal will come at a cost, sometimes in the form of depressive symptoms. And oftentimes, opting out of one early morning workout to seek these interruptions may better position and inspire you to pursue your original goal. So, when in doubt: Have your plan.
- Pursue it on purpose.
- Acknowledge and accept that as much as you may wish you did, you don’t have the power to control these interruptions to your original goal
Be open and ready to pivot, allowing your holistic value system to ultimately steer your decision making.
“Relapse” is All but Guaranteed:
As is so often the case in addiction recovery, stumbling off the intended path of progress is a very likely possibility. When that happens, we have a few options:
- Shame ourselves over it.
- We can unfairly and inaccurately use it as evidence against our capability to make any meaningful change and then justify continuing down the uninspiring road of familiarity.
- We can accept it for what it is: a revealing common reality that exists to inform us, providing us with insight about ourselves, our triggers, and our needs moving forward.
So when you falter, take it seriously and investigate it, but with a spirit of curiosity, not judgment. Ask questions like:
- “What was I feeling in the hours or moments leading up to that slip?”
- “What need was I ultimately attempting to meet?”
- “What or who inspired (or tempted) me to step off the path of progress?”
- “Knowing what I know now, what or who could I introduce into this process to aid in my commitment to it?”
May the weeks ahead refine your relationship with January (and ultimately 1/12th of your life), making it a window of time in which you are realistically, thoughtfully, and flexibly inspired to write a new chapter in your story.