Dear Roz,
At 29 years of age I have emotional baggage because I survived an abusive marriage. My current relationship is with my high school crush. Since we found our way back into each other’s lives, I’ve found he is not the knight in shining armor I thought & hoped he would be. We have gone through infidelities & have unresolved trust issues. I find it very hard to forgive & move on because our intimacy is dwindling daily. He insists he is still attracted to me but I’m finding he has searched for prostitution services online. He lies & later confesses but insists he doesn’t pursue it. Still he won’t explain to me his fascination. I asked him to just let me know if he is not ready for a committed relationship but insists he is. I hold on to this relationship because I felt fate had brought him back into my life & he is a great father figure to my 3 children who are from my previous marriage. I can’t help but feeling that maybe I’m just not what he wants & that is damaging. Is this relationship doomed?
Dear Friend,
Let’s review. Your HS crush is serially unfaithful, searches online for hookers, and is a liar. Swell role model for your kids.
Does that seem like a heartless summation? No, it’s a look at actual facts … not his protestations of love, but his real-life behavior. Historically, he is not trustworthy, so of COURSE you have “unresolved trust issues.”
Love is not simply a feeling. Love is behavior. You are with a man who does not behave lovingly. He “loves” you because of what HE wants, and is not willing/able to give what you want and should rightly expect. He says he wants a committed relationship … well of course he does, on his terms.
Is the relationship doomed? Absolutely. You deserve better, darlin’, and I hope you extricate yourself from this self-absorbed guy ASAP. And by all means get yourself into therapy to find out how/why you continue to be in abusive relationships … because this one has emotional abuse stamped all over it.
I wish you the very best. If you live in Dallas, come see me. Otherwise, find a therapist in your city and take a print-out of this letter with you. I’ll be rooting for you.
Oh, and by the way, this reminds me of a former client who one night finally said to her continually erring spouse, “This is a case of mistaken identity. You’ve mistaken me for someone who’ll put up with this s##t.” And then, of course, she walked her talk and walked out. Good for her!
Go thou and do likewise.
–Roz