Happy Thanksgiving…or is it?
For some, the Thanksgiving holiday is associated with fun, food, and family. For others the theme of gratitude is lost amidst the stress of preparation, not to mention the anxious anticipation of possible family conflict. If you’re hosting, you’re going to be cleaning the house, cooking the meal, calling family and friends, decorating, worrying about who will be in a bad mood, or all of the above. Believe it or not, we can actually prepare our brain to mitigate unpleasantness. The key is to plan ahead. Doing whatever you can to prepare in advance can go a long way in ensuring this
Thanksgiving looks different than the rest. Apart from the relief of completing advance grocery shopping, cleaning and decorating, you can also plan for possible or inevitable family tension. Below are a few ideas to help you prepare. Read this the day before and on the morning of and mentally prepare to implement these ideas.
- Extend grace: Holidays can be a reminder of loss or tragedy for some and people can play out their grief with negative behaviors. Give the benefit of the doubt and extend grace and mercy by a) not reacting and b) not drawing further attention to unpleasant comments or jibes. Do the same if someone arrives in a negative mood. Don’t spend your energy on asking them what’s wrong every few minutes. Give them space and hopefully as you divert the focus, they will too.
- Respond, don’t react: When we are attacked or offended, we tend to instantly react in order to defend ourselves. Our defense mechanism directs us to return the attack or shut down and withdraw. The brain does this to protect us from harm or anxiety-producing situations. Remember, however, that the other person’s brain is doing the same thing and we find ourselves at odds with one another. Conflict can then escalate in the blink of an eye. Instead of reacting, take a deep breath, take a pause, and respond in a gentle manner bringing relief to your brain and theirs. The best way to disarm a caustic attack is with a kind gesture such as “may I get you a refill?” or “would you like some more of the delicious pumpkin pie?”. Remember that you cannot control other people’s behavior but you have full control of yours.
- Validate: Validate the other person’s emotions instead of trying to analyze or “fix” them. For example, “It sounds like that situation hurt you a lot”; instead of “you don’t have to get so mad, just calm down”. You’re not agreeing with them, nor are you deciding whether an emotion is justified or not. You are simply acknowledging that this is the person’s subjective experience in that moment. By making them feel heard and not judged, the brain relaxes, the person experiences relief, and the conflict will likely not escalate out of control.
- Focus on the good things: Diversion is your best friend. When conflict escalates despite your efforts to curtail it, try to remove the focus from the unpleasant situation and instead bring attention to a common joy, fun activity, or gratitude for even the simple things we have that are good. This helps to de-escalate heightened emotions in conflict by drawing the focus of the brain away from the triggering moment.
- Common Need: Everyone wants to feel loved and valued, even the person who seems set on upsetting everyone. Instead of alienating that person, include him or her in a lighthearted holiday activity like passing around the hors d’oeuvres or asking them to help you in the kitchen. Make them feel included and helpful and they'll soon forget their complaints.
- Laugh: It’s hard to stay angry around lighthearted people. Plan fun things in advance, like watching a funny video or playing a game that gets everyone giggling. Humor is good for the soul and an excellent distraction!
- Forgive: When all is said and done, and a relative still manages to inflict that verbal jab, prepare to let it go for the moment until you can address it at another and more appropriate time. If the person’s behavior is a pattern that is not acceptable to you, you may want to think about some boundaries for next year. Meanwhile, extending forgiveness has many benefits for you, including a sense of release, physical and mental relief. Remember forgiveness does not mean excusing the behavior, it is a decision you make to let go of resentment that will just build up in you.
And finally, remember that this is not a time to attempt to change people’s behaviors or even address them, it’s a day to facilitate peace and calm as far as possible and for you to enjoy yourself too! Make this year different. Happy Thanksgiving y’all!
Licensed Professional Counselor
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Family and Divorce Mediator