Love is in the air and Cupid is busy at work. Or perhaps it’s Tinder, Match, or whatever app sparks connection these days. While romantic love often takes center stage on Valentine’s Day, it’s also a perfect moment to reflect on the many other forms of love that shape our lives. As a mother, I’m reflecting on parental love for a child and the concept of unconditional love.
Unconditional love is the foundation of a healthy parent-child relationship. For children, unconditional love means that their parents’ love is unwavering, regardless of their behavior or circumstances. This kind of love offers a secure and nurturing environment for a child’s emotional and psychological development. It allows them to make mistakes, learn, and grow. Unlike adult relationships, the parent-child relationship is NOT based on independent choice. It is the parent’s job to love the child, full stop.
A friend once asked me, “What is your definition of unconditional love?” That question stopped me in my tracks and made me reflect upon my own experience with unconditional love. Growing up, I experienced a different kind of unconditional love as I understand it now. In the culture and time I was raised, love often felt tied to achievement—good grades, a perfect recital, or a first-place trophy. My worth as a child seemed to depend on what I did rather than who I was. As a result, I internalized a belief that love was conditional, though I didn’t fully recognize this until much later in life.
As a parent, I’ve worked hard to embrace a more outward expression of love, influenced by the Western culture I’ve come to know while weaving in my own cultural values. I’ve strived to create an environment where my children feel valued and loved for who they are, not for what they do or for what they achieve. This said, there are certainly times that I do not “like” my children’s behavior. During a tough moment it can be very powerful and grounding to say, “I love YOU very much and right now I do not your behavior.”
In today’s competitive, results-driven world, children are frequently surrounded by messages that their worth is tied to grades, accomplishments, and accolades. As parents, it’s easy to forget that what they need most is reassurance that they are loved for the essence of who they are. No matter what.
So, how can we show our children that our love is truly unconditional? By differentiating between their character and their behaviors. I’ve learned to be intentional with my actions and my words. We celebrate their wins but also celebrate their losses as opportunities for growth. Most importantly, I say the words: “I love you no matter what.” Because sometimes, they just need to hear it.
Unconditional love isn’t a destination; it’s a journey we embark on daily with our children. It’s the quiet reassurance whispered during a moment of frustration, the unwavering support offered after a stumble, and the consistent affirmation of their inherent worth. It’s about recognizing that beneath the tantrums and the teenage angst lies a child yearning to be seen, accepted, and loved for exactly who they are. As parents, we hold immense power to shape our children’s understanding of love and their sense of self. So, I encourage you to reflect on your own expressions of love. Are you celebrating their individuality? Are you offering grace in the face of their mistakes? Are you consistently reminding them, through words and actions, that your love for them is a constant, a safe harbor in the storms of life? Because in the end, the most enduring gift we can give our children is the unwavering belief that they are loved, unconditionally, now and always. This love becomes the bedrock of their confidence, the compass guiding them through challenges, and the quiet voice whispering, “You are enough,” long after they’ve left our nest.
Cindy Chen-Wu
Master’s Level Student Intern, Supervised by Laura Pierce